Monday, August 13, 2012

STILL (a serious one)

Waiting Room
Tuesday, June 5, 2012

We waited excitedly. Nervously. My stomach flipped anxiously, uncertain of what was to come. I had yearly check-ups; I knew what to expect. Not today. Today was different.


I was careful. My iPhone chimed everyday at 6:00PM, a musical reminder to take my prenatal. I'd been taking them since before we started to try. I read pregnancy books. Before bed, I filled Christopher in on just how big our baby was. A poppy seed, sesame seed, lentil . . . a prune. I felt pregnant. The signs were all there: nausea in the morning, exhausted all day, tender breasts... 

I walked. Tired as I was, exercise was healthy for me, as well as for the tiny life inside me.

I prayed, "Lord, this is Your baby. I trust You. Please bless this baby. Keep Your baby safe, strong, and healthy. Please let this be our baby in eight months... seven months... six months..." Over and over, a hundred times a day, I prayed this little prayer. 

I find myself breathing this prayer now. Still. After.


While the doctor poked and prodded, I knew what to look for. By ten weeks, there should be a tiny baby in the black. I saw the darkness. I saw nothing else. I held my breath as the doctor silently moved her wand, searching. Christopher squeezed my hand excitedly. He didn't know what the screen should reveal. I closed my eyes, pleading with God.


We took pictures each week, our faces lit with hope. We discussed names, giggling over silly ones, writing down names we loved. Christopher started working on the spare room again, a project he'd been putting off in the warm weather. We made announcement plans, deciding on Fathers' Day. Two days before 12 weeks was the perfect time to tell our fathers, our families.

We prayed, "Lord, this is Your baby. We trust You. Please bless this baby. Keep Your baby safe, strong, and healthy. Please let this be our baby in eight months... seven months... six months..." Every night before bed, we prayed this little prayer. 


Christopher figured out what the doctor was going to say when she began speaking slowly, sadly. She said this was her least-favorite part of her job. Our baby was not where it should be at ten weeks. We should come back in two days to be sure, but our pregnancy no longer appeared viable. I was numb. Christopher's tears began to dot his collar, but I held mine in. My doctor hugged me, then left us alone.

I held my tears until we got home. Then we held each other for hours, gasping for breath, tears soaking the pillows.

We went back in two days, but it was over. I began miscarrying two weeks later.


A month later, the pain is still here. Sometimes, I gasp for breath. Sometimes, I feel okay. Our baby is with my mom, my grandpa, Christopher's grandparents . . . as much as I want our baby, I know he or she is in good hands.

I pray, "Lord, I trust You. Please bless Your babies. Keep Your babies safe, strong, and healthy. Please give us our babies soon." Over and over, a hundred times a day, I pray this little prayer. 

I breathe this prayer now. Still. After.

*I wrote this because it is part of our story.
In the past few weeks, I have searched for stories to help me not feel so alone, stories to give me hope.
I've been hesitating to share this, but perhaps this story may help someone else not feel so alone. 
May we hope together.

Friday, July 13, 2012


I made some (easy) magnets this week. I needed magnets in my classroom with a strong hold (coin magnets from Walmart work really well), and I found a way to use our extra wedding invitations!
I dipped each clear stone in Mod Podge.

Then, stuck them on pretty paper.

I had wondered what I could do with our extra wedding invitations. Magnets! 
It's a great way to keep them and see them everyday on our fridge!
After the Mod Podge dried, I cut around the stones and Mod Podged them onto the coin magnets.
These are some of the magnets I kept for at home.
(The ones on the right match my old kitchen. I made them a few years ago.)

I love how they turned out! It's something simple, but it really brightens up our fridge. I can't wait to use them in my classroom; both for the strong hold and the cuteness factor!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

TOOLBOX MADE PRETTY (teaching without a desk)

Last year, I did away with my (huge, bulky) teacher desk. I read Debbie Diller's Spaces and Places in anticipation of organizing and designing my brand new (to me) classroom.
Ms. Diller suggested eliminating teacher desks, as they take up valuable classroom space and promote clutter. I completely agreed. I hardly used my desk, except as a dumping grounds for papers and books to look at later. I could neatly stack them daily, but the fact was, my desk was cluttered.

I removed my desk and used my small group table instead. I kept it clean, since it's where I did most of my teaching through the day. I loved it! The only problem was that I didn't have a place to store my supplies since I no longer had drawers. I used shelves behind my table with baskets and containers. It worked for last year, but took up a lot of room, the containers often spilled, and it just wasn't as organized as I had wanted it to be.

Somewhere in the midst of hundreds of teaching blogs in my Google Reader, I stumbled upon this and this:

Obviously I had to make one of my own! Christopher and I found the toolbox at Lowe's ($16) and I spent less than an hour making it fixing it up.
Here she is in her (very!) temporary home in my classroom:

If only my entire classroom could be as neat and organized as this little box!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


Last Saturday was Christopher's grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. Their kids planned a surprise party for them, following a mass dedicated to them. They knew about the mass, but Grandpa Ray claims he knew all along about the party. Grandma June was clueless, even after their friends had spilled the beans (more than once).

When I took out my camera (iPhone) during church to snap a picture, Christopher whispered, "What are you doing?!" I wasn't facebooking, my dear.
(He loves the picture.)

When the tornado sirens went off mid-service, I certainly did want to check the radar on my phone. I held back. As the priest said after mass, if one's going to be in a tornado, church is probably the best place to be. (Though  I was wearily eyeing those stained glass windows and the heavy support beam above my head... I've already admitted pretty churches distract me, and during a tornado! I was planning my pretty escape!)

At the end of the service, the priest asked the family if anyone wanted to say something. A few people went, then Christopher stood up. He spoke of how we look up to their marriage. He talked about a commercial on the radio. It asks you to think about how many people a marriage makes a positive impact on. I don't know it word-for-word, but it goes as far as asking if a marriage touches as many people that would fit into a sports stadium. Christopher said not only does his grandparents' marriage affect their families and friends in Illinois, but everyone that those people come in contact with. Their marriage is making a positive impact on our marriage, so even in Michigan, our friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. are also touched by their love.

Our 50th is only 48.8333 years away!
my current go-to hairstyle found here
It is ridiculous how excited I was to find Rooster Booster! 
I drank so much of this in college on road trips, but I haven't seen it in years. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012


It seems to me, that holidays are just not the same when you're in-between.

You see, C and I are no longer at the candy-snatching-parade-going age. (To be clear, we're no longer at the acceptable age to be snatching candy at parades.)

We don't have children, so we don't spend the day running from parades to food fest to fireworks to bed.

We're just two in-betweeners, content to run errands in the morning, finish projects in the afternoon, grill dinner with friends, and catch tiny glimpses of fireworks from our porch between trees.

At any rate (and at any age), we had a nice holiday.
red, white, and blue
Uncle Sam
But wait, did you see what I see?
Somehow or another, I up and married Captain America!
Christopher said it was a swing for one.
But the fireworks and lightning lit the sky,
and we tried to be romantical and sit all close-like.
He was right; it was a swing for one.
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